tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central November 19, 2014 5:55pm-6:28pm PST
captioning sponsored by comedy central (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: everybody, welcome to "the report"! (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thanks for being here! sorry, folks. i've got to do this first. thanks so much for being here. the show will start in just one minute. sorry, folks, big freeze moving in. i'm just putting down some salt.
don't need a lawsuit on my hands. and -- some pepper. 'cuz the weather outside is frightful. >> 200 million americans are in the middle of the cold snap today. >> 50% of the country blanketed in snow. >> this minnesota lake turned to solid ice -- a rare pre-thanksgiving deep freeze. >> freezing temperatures in all 50 states. >> stephen: all 50. even hawaii -- where aloha now means "hello," "goodbye," and "my nipples could slice pineapple ." and do not confuse this cold snap with last year's polar vortex. it's completely different. >> the record-breaking polar plunge. >> polar plunge. >> stephen: polar plunge, which is not just a rockin' new flavor of capri sun.
no, it's something even better -- a reason to ignore global warming. >> while the president focuses on global warming, more brutally cold weather is hitting across much of the country again today. >> the prevailing sentiment is we've got to fight global warming. we're freezing. we have record cold. we're not in global warming. just fix it in your mind, folks. >> stephen: he's right. when it comes to global warming, fix it in your mind. 'cuz we're not going to fix it in realty. barack obama has been violating the constitution for years. well, now he wants to roll it up, stuff it with rice and beans, and top it with picante sauce. >> a source tells fox news as early as next week, president obama is planning to announce a ten-part plan to overhaul
immigration policy through executive action. >> president obama vowing to go it alone on immigration. >> he plans to pass executive action immigration amnesty just by himself, without congress. >> stephen: yeah, how dare he take executive action to address immigration, by himself? he should be working with congress, to do nothing, together. even worse, the rumor is he's going to overhaul the immigration system through fiat. fiat? if anything goes wrong -- you have to order new parts from italy. and just listen to what's in obama's plan. it would "protect up to 5 million unauthorized immigrants from the threat of deportation and provide many of them with work permits. they get to stay and receive work permits! now they're coming for the jobs they already have!
the whole plan cheapens what it means to be an american... because "the department of homeland security would take 50% off the fee for the first 10,000 applicants." 50% off. obama's tossing american citizenship in the bargain bin with the stale halloween candy and unbagged underwear. plus, obama's going to "expand visas for foreign-born workers with high-tech skills." why foreigners? americans already have plenty of high-tech skills. like operating an iphone to contact a call center in india. well, thank god this plan leaked! because now congressional republicans can stop it. >> we're going to fight the president tooth and nail if he continues down this path. this is the wrong way to govern. our goal here is to stop the president from violating his own oath of office and violating the
constitution. it's not to shut down the government. we are looking at all options. they are on the table. >> stephen: you hear that, obama? all options are on the table! lawsuits, impeachment, government shutdowns, boots on the ground, passive-aggressive notes on the fridge. but mostly, we're talking about cash. >> if the president is going to try to usurp our authority in congress, i think we need to bite back and not give him the funds to do that. >> we will use the power of the purse to try to push back against this overactive bureaucracy. >> they should handle it through defunding what they can defund -- keeping back money from areas where he needs money to carry out these illegal actions. >> stephen: yes, the president is refusing to deport these illegals, so we must cut the funding to pay the immigration officers he won't need to not deport them.
it's like when i was a kid and i refused to rake the yard, so as a punishment my parents wouldn't buy me a rake. really taught me a lesson. to this day, i don't rake my yard. i pay luis to do it. i assume he's a citizen. i don't know. he doesn't speak english. and i pay him in cash. but how does the latino community feel? to find out what the grande hispana-chinos think of all this, i turn one last time to my mexican colleague, esteban colberto! >> hola, stephen! bienvenidos a lacolberto reporto gigante! >> stephen: esteban, thank you for joining us. it is bittersweet the know that we are ending both of our shows. >> si, es triste.
chicas, chicas. es triste. >> stephen: so, my friend, everybody down in your neck of the cactus must be thrilled with obama. >> president obama? si se puede. desconfiar de el. el lo ha prometido antes, la verdad es en el guacamole. >> stephen: so will this make latinos vote for democrats? >> no, votaran democrata porque los republicanos han estado pollas tan grandes. nos llaman ilegales con soleos como melones, que parimos bebes anclas para robar beneficios sociales. >> stephen: yes, but what they're trying to say is -- >> lo peor, dicen que nos gusta a ted cruz. sabes a quien le gusta a ted cruz? solo ted cruz.
>> stephen: but if this plan goes into effect, will you be taking obama's immigrant handout? >> o si. estoy solicitando una visa "hi tech" con mi maestria de ingenieria quimica. >> stephen: you can get those in mexico? >> si. but i got mine from penn state. >> stephen: what the (bleep)?! esteban, you speak english?! >> yes. >> stephen: then why did you make me subtitle you for nine years? >> como dicen los americanos, para "(bleep) y risitas." >> stephen: so this means you're coming to the united states? >> tal vez. pienso que me voy a china. shanghai shien zai hen hong, yo! well, my friend, i will miss
miller invented lite beer, the original 96 calorie pilsner, and that changed everything. this led to advertising about great taste, which led to farmers letting fresh hops cascade through their fingers. which led to brew masters admiring their craft, which led to hand models reaching for a cold one. which led to slow motion pours of golden goodness. which led to super slow motion pours, with subliminal messages added in for good measure. miller lite: we invented lite beer, and subliminal advertising,
you're welcome. ♪ i got to work only twelve minutes late! ♪ ♪ saved dan from an embarrassing date! ♪ ♪ it's the wendy's bacon portabella melt! ♪ ♪ rich portabellas, all melty and cheesy. ♪ ♪ earning one is super easy! ♪ we think you shouldn't have to worry about adding up all the taxes and fees to your nthly bill. that's why our plans start at just $35 bucks, after $5 auto pay credit, all in. taxes and fees included. cricket. something to smile about.
first up, folks, there is a lot of hunger in america. in 2012, more than one in seven u.s. house holds experienced food insecurity. that means they don't know where their next meal will come from. and i totally understand. just last night, i couldn't decide whether to order italian or chinese. so i split the difference and ordered azerbaijani food. of course, by the time i got it, my toyug plov was super-dry. so, yeah, i know what it's like out there. and though i support congress' $800 million cut to our food stamp program that obama signed this year, i'm not a monster. i wouldn't want any legitimately hungry person to starve. my heart goes out to society's truly underprivileged -- your loveable shoe shine boys, your photogenic waifs, your pie-crazed hobos. that's why i was so happy to learn about a trend that's turning one man's trash into another man's edible trash. >> salvage stores like this one specialize in selling expired foods at greatly reduced prices. 75% of the grocery items sold here have "best by" or "used by" dates that have already expired.
damaged, dented, dated or discounted products that grocery stores won't sell, letting consumers get cuh-razy discounts. >> stephen: yes, cuh-razy discounts, so poor families can get suh-hubsistence nutrition. that's why i'm giving a tip of the hat to salvage stores for showing the "least" we can do for the hungry is less than any of us thought. sure, it might seem sad to eat things that are expired or damaged, but this is america -- if you work hard and play by the rules, you will eventually earn the dignity of an intact box of triscuits. and don't think of it as eating discarded food. those spaghettios are just being served al-dented. they're perfectly "probably" safe. so you're welcome, america's hungry. because this is as good as it's gonna get. we just voted in the people who want "more" cuts. to these guys, expired prunes isn't a dangerous food product -- it's their voter base. next up, nation, you will recall
that last night i finally made my peace with bear kind by getting me a piece of bear kind. he tasted like pepper mint and old salmon. so i was saddened to hear that voters in maine have passed a ballot initiative preserving their right to hunt black bears with day-old jelly doughnut, chocolate cupcakes, twinkies and white bread. that's right. in maine, you can hunt bears using expired twinkies. though it means you will have to wait 300 years. folks, this is deplorable and cruel to my new bear friend. if you lure a bear with a bear claw, you're tempting him into cannibalism! so i'm giving a wag of the finger to maine for allowing the hunters to kill bears using junk food. beware bears! ask not for whom the ding dongs,
it dongs for thee. besides, there are people who could use that food. forget going to the salvage stores, hungry americans. maine's just giving away jelly donuts in the woods! and if you get caught in a bear trap while foraging for stale pastry, that's still good -- you can gnaw off your own leg. that is some delicious doughnut-fed meat. bonus -- you won't gain an ounce. we'll be right back. come on gang. work those thighs. now, now do this... what's my name?! [ women ] johnny jamboogie! hey man, eat a snickers. why? 'cause you're johnny football. better? better. [ male announcer ] you're not you when you're hungry snickers satisfies. yeah, i know. i finally found myself a wingman. you're going to use the wing as your wingman? yeah, for the ladies. it's going to give you that certain je ne sais quoi?
jenna said what? announcer: be a wingman, with new all white-meat boneless chicken wings in three flavors. - ( clicks ) - ( phone beeps ) you know how fast you were going? about 55. where you headed at such an appropriate speed? across the country to enhance the nation's most reliable 4g lte network. how's it working for ya? better than ever. how'd you do it? added cell sites. increased capacity. and your point is... so you can download music, games, and directions for the road when you need them. who's this guy? oh that's charlie. you ever put pepper spray on your burrito? like it spicy but not like uggggh spicy. he always like this? you have no idea. at&t. the nation's most reliable 4g lte network. [barking] ooh who's a good dog! [barking] hey... whoa!
no hard feelings, ok? ♪ crazy good! hey slick, it's me! i'm a darwinist, brother, alright? some prosper... enjoy the picture, everyone! ...and some struggle. (music) (tires screech) (grunt) i thought you said you wasn't gonna hit me. (music) we had a deal! we had paperwork! une. deux. trois. my daddy was not nice to me! (traffic sounds) (gun clicks) life is just one long mystery. boom! grand theft auto five
out now on playstation 4. rated m for mature. playstation ♪ 14 years to the day, we got our first prius. ♪ sometimes the most daring ideas... ...are the ones you can count on the most. ♪ the prius. toyota, lets go places. i'm almost done. [ male announcer ] now you can pay your bill... ♪ ...manage your appointments... [ dog barks ] ...and check your connection status... ♪ ...anytime, anywhere. ♪ [ dog growls ] ♪
oh. so you're protesting? ♪ okay. [ male announcer ] introducing xfinity my account. available on any device. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new documentary about low-wage farm workers in florida. what a cruel life -- they have to live in florida. please welcome eva longoria. (cheers and applause) eva longoria, thank you so much
for being here. it's a pleasure. i see you brought a vegetable to hurl at me. what have we here? >> it's a fair food tomato from florida. >> stephen: okay. a fair food tomato. you are an activist. you were named the philanthropist of the year. >> yeah. >> stephen: why are you philanthroping instead of being a celebrity? doesn't this take away from your red carpet time? >> yes, but it's for a good cause. the release of a documentary called "food chains" is coming out, and it's about the exploitation of labor in our farms in america. >> stephen: and you produced this? >> i produced the documentary. i thought you meant the tomato. >> stephen: no. no, i produced the documentary about farm workers. this is specifically about tomatoes and florida. >> stephen: how do i know you
actually care about farm workers? because you're an actress and, no offense, actors and actresses get paid to lie for a living. >> yeah. >> stephen: to look like they they cared about things. do i think you cared about those other women on wisteria lane? i really don't. but when i watched the show, i was scared, cried. your joys were mine. you know. >> yeah. >> stephen: so why do you care about these workers? they have jobs. a lot of people who don't have jobs. what are the conditions of the people who pick our tomatoes work under that you think should be changed? >> i care because i eat food, and you eat food, we all eat food and we should really care about where our food comes from. there's never been a grater interest in what we free. -- there's never been a greater interest in what we eat. we're gluten free, soy free, lactose free, but we don't think about the human cost behind where our food comes from. what we are showing in the documentary, it's an amazing documentary about what is being done in florida with tomatoes specifically, and it's called
the fair food program. these workers formed a coalition that came up with an amazing program that not only raises wages but stops abuse in the field, everything from physical abuse, sexual harassment and does an audit compliance to make sure all the farmers are applying this particular fair food program to their crops and they're doing it amazingly well. >> stephen: so these workers in immokalee, florida, are getting paid 1 penny a pound to pick tomatoes right now. >> yeah. >> stephen: how much do you think they should be paid per pound? >> what the fair food program does is ask consumers and the largest buyers of produce -- supermarkets and fast-food chains -- to pay a penny more a pound and that doubles their wages. >> stephen: so 2 pennies a pound. >> yeah, to 2 pennies per pound. >> stephen: you realize that
you still kind of sound like a monster. all 2-pennies-a-pound longoria, they would call you. >> it would change your life by 44 cents a year and you literally double the wages of these farm workers. >> stephen: you've gotten mcdonald's, burger king, subway, chipotle, all these fast-food chains to get on board with the fair food program. (applause) is the issue we should buy less fresh food and more fast food as americans to help these people? >> no, no, no. you need to eat healthy. one of the main points of the documentary is the c.i.w., coalition of immokalee workers, has had amazing success. and anybody who has come to the table have signed on to the fair food program except wendy's in the fast food area.
(booing) wendy's has not signed on to the fair food program. but supermarkets which is a large buyer, we want them on board. >> stephen: are supermarkets on board? >> some are, some are not. whole foods. this tomato is from whole foods, so we know it's a fair food tomato. >> stephen: meaning this is like a $40 tomato. >> exactly. let me tell you, so the workers make a penny per pound. this tomato is 2.03. so you look at the difference of the people doing the work. publix in the documentary is one that will not come to the table and will not talk to the c.i.w. about the fair food program. >> stephen: well, maybe it's because you guys scare people with your tactics. >> right. >> stephen: i'll show you an example. jim, can you put up the poster? that is socialist propaganda. that might as well be mao
picking the tomatoes. this doesn't seem like workers of the world unite to you? >> no, it doesn't. >> stephen: it doesn't? this is an interesting photo. i don't know if you see the bucket. it's overfilled. the c.i.w. stopped that as well because they'll make the workers snowcone the buckets, so they're actually picking almost a bucket and a third and not getting paid for it. so we've stopped that as well and, you know, this is how they carry. they carry about 40,000 pounds a day on their backs, and they're not asking for workers -- farm workers are not asking for a crazy amount of pay, they're asking to be paid for the work they're doing. >> stephen: my other issue is you're asking me to think about where my food comes from. >> yeah. >> stephen: and i don't want to think about that. a lot of it comes from dirt, okay? and it's there a lot longer than the 5-second rule. >> yeah.
>> stephen: why must i think about where my food comes from? it comes from the kitchen. >> it does not. >> stephen: it does not? it does not come from the kitchen. america has a history of exploiting labor. when we created the fair labor standards act which protects workers, it excluded agriculture. the 40-hour work week, vacation, minimum-wage, excludes agriculture. >> stephen: child labor. you were in the field, you know how hard it was. >> stephen: i worked an entire day. >> no, no. i think you worked three hours. >> stephen: well, listen, that is a workday for me. (laughter) eva longoria, thank you so much! eva longoria, "food chains," the documentary opens friday. we'll be right back!
i'm gonna be the perfect mom. herman? just like in the movies. i'll be the one person my daughter can always trust. making memories that last a lifetime. i should totally start a blog. life can surprise you. so can an allstate agent. with accident forgiveness they can make sure your rates don't go up after one. because everyone has an off day. the good hands are doing more than ever before. mwould not slow down.
when they told him he had reached the limit. he just had one thought: faster. what was he chasing? what are you chasing? ♪ i got to work only twelve minutes late! ♪ ♪ saved dan from an embarrassing date! ♪ ♪ it's the wendy's bacon portabella melt! ♪ ♪ rich portabellas, all melty and cheesy. ♪ ♪ earning one is super easy! ♪
happy holidays from where you can get more from our reliable 4g lte network with a free 4g lte smartphone, after mail-in rebate. it's our gift to you. or anyone in your family, really. cricket. something to smile about. it's the $6.99 pick your pairs deal at pizza hut. pick two medium pizzas and a total of four toppings for $6.99 each. want two toppings on one and two on the other? three and one? get it however you want, and on your favorite crusts! pan, thin 'n crispy, or hand tossed. just $6.99 a pizza. pizza hut. >> stephen: that's it for "the colbert report," everybody! good night!
from comedy central world news headquarters in new york. this is the daily show with jon stewart. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ >> jon: welcome to the daily show i'm jon stewart. tonight, this is exciting. young man named benedict cumberbatch is going to join us. [cheers and applause] >> jon: great film. he's great in it. first it's been a rough year for the president of these united states. a midterm shellacking. the failure to get one chair to turn around "the voice" come on gwen, turn around!
as the president said in his voice audition song ♪ the sun will come out -- >> a hundred thousand people signed up for obama care on saturday. the latest day of the recent open enrollment. >> the consumer has a better interaction. things are simpler, faster and more intuitive. >> jon: obama care website is better. for example, when you log into the new healthcare gov it has insurance options rather than brunch options at dennys. also the new website loads quickly. the old site would cut the brakes in your car. it's terrifying. again it's a big improvement. anyone in washington dc will talk about these amazing success of obama care. >> all anyone in washington is talking about is a tape that